if you know anything about me, you know that i stress. a lot. i stress about things that won't ever effect me...ever. & even though stressing out might not be how everyone else deals with their life problems (or other people's life problems), it's how i deal with "it" (whatever the "it" might be for the time).
i have come to the realization that i stress out about other people's problems more than my own. i've also come to the realization that it might be in avoidance of my own life stressers. if i focus on other people, my problems don't seem as big. if i can fix other people then i will find this sense of self-worth (i know, it sounds crazy. tell me something i don't know). this week i have asked my self why? why is a big question. but why? why do i allow myself to stress out about other people & the things that they are going through? why do i care about the choices they make & the choices that are made by others that will effect them? why do i care about what they do, why they do it, & how can i help & be involved in their lives? how can i "fix" them?
yes. i know. i can't fix people. but i can help people. but why do i have this intense passion to help people?
then. it hit me like a ton of bricks. (well, not really but i like to use that statement. it more or less happened over a period of time) but, it's because i love deeply. i love all my friends with such an intense passion. & i fall fast. the people that i stress out about the most are the people that i love. i take my relationships more than serious. the people that i spend the majority of my time with are the people that i spend the majority of my time thinking about. i want to be with them all the time. i want them to do well in school. i want them to be the best that they can be. i want them to love me. i want them to love life. i want them to love Jesus. i want them to not have to worry about tomorrow. i want them to not worry about the stresses of their home life or money. & if they can't do those things, i want to "fix" it. & when i can't, i worry about them. because i am concerned for them. because i care about their well being. because i love them with every ounce of my being. & when they laugh, i laugh. when they rejoice, i rejoice. when they struggle, i struggle. when they hurt, i hurt. when they cry, i cry (& sometimes i cry even when they don't).
i understand that i can't use this as an excuse & i also know that there are times when my stressing out is at its maximum level & it is too much. & i know that stressing out can cause serious problems (been there done that). but i hope that those that i love the most & those that truly know me understand that when i stress, it's because i love.
& when i love, i don't hold back.
"there is nothing i would not do for those who are really my friends. i have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature." - jane austen, northanger abbey