oh to be like howard.

this title may seem a little odd, but hello, im odd.

there should be at least one person in your life that you look at & think, "i want people to see in me what i see in them."

when i see dr. c (howard), that is exactly what comes to my mind.

last night was the first district assembly service. (district assembly is big gathering of nazarenes that happens once a year. there are meetings & worship services & what not.) there were a lot of people. & as i stood at the back of the sanctuary, dr. c was called up the front of the stage. there he was, just standing there smiling as usual. dr. toler was giving him this big introduction and talking about the great missionary service that he had done & his work at southern nazarene university. he is retiring this year.

let's not talk about it. i will cry.

nevertheless, dr. c deserved every clap & shout that echoed in that building last night, even though he did none of those things for the claps & shouts & attention.

when i see dr. c, i see his heart. i swear it is bigger than the size of texas. he has a great concern for everyone. he wants everyone to do well. he cares about you outside of the classroom as much as he does inside the classroom.

when i see dr. c, i see his compassion. he has told story after story in class about ways that he & barbara (his wife) have reached out to others. he spent some years in florence, italy (rough life, ha!). he spent some years in haiti. & each produce stories of the greatness of God & the work that God is doing in each of those places. each story that he tells (& sometimes retells) reflects on the person that he is. he has so much compassion for others & love for others.

when i see dr. c, i see Jesus. no, i do not think that dr. c is Jesus, but i do see Jesus shining through him. in everything that he does. wherever he goes, whomever he speaks to, it is with the intention of letting them know that he loves Jesus. & it's obvious.

i am not the only person who loves this man. everyone is sad to know that dr. c won't be around next year. ( i have tried to talk him into staying just one more year for my senior year...but he won't.)

i have had the privilege of getting to spend some time with dr.c by working as his student assistant. i have my little cubby right outside his office. not only do i work for him, but i also get to sit in class with him & he is also my academic advisor because i have been called to follow in his footsteps. & to be honest, i am a little afraid of that. they are some big shoes to fill. he has worked hard his entire life to glorify God to the utmost.

i certainly haven't known him for as long as some have, but in the short time that i have known him, i know exactly what he is about. there is no getting around it.

oh my friends. if there were more howard culbertson's in the world, the world would be a much different place. the world would be on fire for God & there would be nothing to hold anyone back from sharing it with every person that we come in contact with.

dr. c, thank you, from the bottom of my heart for all that you have done & for the example that you have given us. you will never know the amount of respect that i have for you & you will never know how greatly that you will be missed around this place.

we love you.

the end is nigh!

what a horrible blogger i am. i haven't blogged for an entire month! shame on me. a lot of life can happen in a month & surely a lot has happened. i have had two breaks from school, & glorious they were...well, minus the separation from my wonderful friends.

it's near the end of the school year & anytime you ask anyone how they are, the response will inevitably be "tired." there are roughly five weeks of school left. they are the crucial weeks. it's time to "hunker down." as the end of this school year comes though, i get a lot of mixed feelings. yes, i am more than ready for a break from the homework & deep thinking. but i am not ready for a break from learning. i have grown a ton in this past year. more than i could imagine. i have learned more than i honestly expected to. my relationships with people have grown deeper, with people that i didn't really expect them to. & because of that, the end of the school year is bittersweet.

with that being sad i am seriously looking forward to my summer. i have the opportunity to spend a whole month in italy serving with the local church. i'm beyond stoked. & i know that i am going to have a great time & that i am going to learn so much about the life that God has led me to. but with that comes the scary reality that i am soon going to be in the real world. in one short school year my life as a career missionary is going to be staring at me in the face.

here is my reality. i am scared. i am scared to go far away. i am scared to be away from my family. i am scared to be away from my church. i am scared to be away from my friends & from the people who have invested so much in my life. i am scared to leave "my comfort zone." i am afraid of not being the best missionary that i can be or failing to do the job at hand.

but i am more afraid of backing down from the task that God has asked of me. i am more afraid of not pleasing the Lord with all that i do. i know that God has placed this call on my life, a call that i have chosen to accept.

so as i try to wrap my mind around my call, i am more than grateful that i still have next year. as ready as i am to be done with this semester, knowing that i have one more year before i go into the big kid world is a great peace of mind.

i am excited to see how my life is going to unfold, but for now i am going to relish in these last five weeks of the semester & i am going to be present in the lives of the people that i love.

ever overwhelmed by the plan that God has for your life? don't worry, you aren't the only one.

"the struggle is real"

i stole that title from a friend. & even though it is usually meant to be a joke, oh so true it is. & most of the time, we don't like to admit it.

wednesday night. church night. always has been, more than likely always will be. but tonight was different. there was three, then there was two, then back to three, & then back to two. & despite the fact that for the majority of the time there was only two of us, "church" still happened. i will still able to glean from it. i was able to learn a few things about myself. things that perhaps i already knew deep down inside, but when they are verbalized by someone else, they make more sense. & that was me tonight.

i'm going to be honest. i'm struggling. things that i don't necessarily want to share on here, mainly because i am not ready to be THAT vulnerable. but nevertheless, "the struggle is real."

i like to be in control. i like for things to happen a certain way. i don't like to be unprepared. i don't like to make a fool of myself, especially in front of people. i like for things to go smoothly. i want everyone to gain from whatever is going on. & sometimes it's overwhelming. i try to balance so many different things because, as i have stated before, i love to help people & help fix people.

i was told last night that i try to do too much on my own. anyone who knows me knows that i have a big heart & love to be around people. i can't say no. i want to help out in as many ways as possible. but sometimes that can mean being spread to thin. & i can't give one-hundred percent to things because i have so many things that need my attention. but, having a big heart isn't a good enough excuse to just say yes to everything, especially when i don't let God in to help me. & that means i am not trusting God enough. i am not trusting that God can keep things under control without me. i think that i can do things on my own. ha.

real life: i can't. & i know that & i tell other people to "just trust God." it might be time to take my own advice.

it's not easy to have someone else point out your weaknesses. but it sure does grab your attention & make you think.

& yesterday, the struggle was real. today, the struggle is still real. but today i am choosing to trust the Lord.

is the struggle real? don't worry. you aren't the only one.

as for me & my house...

i post a butt ton about my friends. but lesbihonest (haha) they are pretty much the most amazing friends anyone could ask for. so, why not blog about them.

last night was so great. the Lord was among us at our service last night. & it is not because of anything special that was planned. as a matter of fact, it was the opposite. this week has been a bit crazy & other things have been occupying my time. i am not trying to make up an excuse for not being prepared for this weekly task, because there is no excuse. i just didn't do it. of course last minute i am trying to throw some songs together for worship & here i am thinking that if i don't pick the most perfect songs for tonight, then no one will get anything out of it. so we (we being myself and zach, the guy who leads worship with me) try to throw some songs together. we finally come to three songs. we print the chords & the lyrics & off to the church we go to practice. then we get there & one of the songs wasn't going to work so we had to throw it out & pick a new song. but we weren't going to have lyrics for it because we had no way of getting the lyrics. (hang in there with me, this gets better.) so, last minute we are scrambling to come up with another song. we pick a fast (& pretty old school & cheesy) song. we get through the first song & then boom! slow song. haha. it might have been a little awkward at the start. but when we started to sing those words. everyone slowed down. everyone seemed to get into it. & even though we were still practicing with two minutes left before church started, it was actually coming together. of course, we know that it is not because of anything that we did. heck, we weren't even in the right mind set when we started the service.

but anyways. we keep singing this song. the song is basically saying that we want to be better. we want  the Lord to give us a clean heart & we are telling the Lord that we are turning from our sin & running to Him. pretty powerful stuff. it may seem like pretty basic Bible, but sense when did things need to be complicated? so, we are all singing, zach prays, we sing, zach prays. then out of no where (not really, but seemingly out of no where) came our worship pastor & boom! we have the piano. & we end up having the epic night of worship & you could just feel the presence of the Lord wrapped around you like a big blanket. (i think it would have been a lot like elizabeth's heated blanket!) we sang some more songs, we held hands, we cried, we prayed, & people shared what was on their hearts.

but something that stuck with me the most was this. "it doesn't matter what frame of mind that we come to church in, God is going to use us." (this is a bit paraphrased, but you get the picture.)  you see, i might not have been prepared for church last night, but the Lord was. the Lord showed up without every note being just right or everything being super smooth. the Lord doesn't need me to have church. the Lord doesn't need for me to be perfect. (amen!) the Lord just needs me to be willing (even when i don't feel like it), to have an open heart & to allow Him to guide me.

you see, worship isn't a feeling, it's a lifestyle. & everyday we have a choice to make. we have a choice to worship when the sun is shining down on us or when the road is marked with suffering. the Lord tells us that things aren't going to be easy. but the Lord promises us that if we choose Him, He will guide & lead us & carry us through.

today is new day. what will you choose?

two wise guys..

i know that all my blogs are serious. & to be honest, this one will be no different. in fact i will cry typing it...haha

this blog is more of a shout out to two very special people to me. they are both men that i look up to & trust & feel that the Lord has placed in my life for a very specific purpose. they both let me talk about life experience & let me be completely me. they let me laugh & cry. they teach & guide me. they are true inspirations.

ever since the passing of my dad, there has been what i would call a "lack of male guidance." there have been times where i would want to pick up the phone & call my dad to tell him something exciting but i can't. there are lots of things that cross my mind that won't happen with my dad that the majority of my friends aren't going to understand, not that i would ever want them to. (i do want to say that my friends do a fantastic job of listening to me rant though!)

& i have been praying. it is not easy to let someone in & perhaps "fill the void." but, i have been praying that God would place a male figure in my life that i could look up to & trust & go to when i need some "fatherly" advice.

& boy has God come through. God didn't just give me one, God gave me two. one who understands where i am coming from because he has been through the same thing. & i want these two people to know that i love them very much & i appreciate them both more than they will ever know. i get teary eyed (i know, shocker) just typing this.

these two men have become that "father" figure to me. & i love them.

jason mcwilliams & tim crutcher, you are deeply loved. know that i am grateful for each of you & that God is using you, even when you don't know it!

'tis the sweet life..

sleeping in.
weekends that are productive yet relaxing.
hearing THE best news & *almost* crying. (almost is very key, people)
singing les mis songs before church starts.
my adopted family <3.
practically perfect weather.
laughing til we don't remember why we are laughing.
getting your bangs trimmed.
talking to my mother on the phone.
falling asleep watching roman holiday with audrey hepburn & thinking, "i'm going there!"
great emails that inform you that class is canceled today & next week.
looking forward to celebrating a friend's engagement.

oh yes, all of this with the world's best group of friends. boom. 'tis the sweet life...

love is a many-splendored thing

if you know anything about me, you know that i stress. a lot. i stress about things that won't ever effect me...ever. & even though stressing out might not be how everyone else deals with their life problems (or other people's life problems), it's how i deal with "it" (whatever the "it" might be for the time).

i have come to the realization that i stress out about other people's problems more than my own. i've also come to the realization that it might be in avoidance of my own life stressers. if i focus on other people, my problems don't seem as big. if i can fix other people then i will find this sense of self-worth (i know, it sounds crazy. tell me something i don't know). this week i have asked my self why? why is a big question. but why? why do i allow myself to stress out about other people & the things that they are going through? why do i care about the choices they make & the choices that are made by others that will effect them? why do i care about what they do, why they do it, & how can i help & be involved in their lives? how can i "fix" them?

yes. i know. i can't fix people. but i can help people. but why do i have this intense passion to help people?

then. it hit me like a ton of bricks. (well, not really but i like to use that statement. it more or less happened over a period of time) but, it's because i love deeply. i love all my friends with such an intense passion. & i fall fast. the people that i stress out about the most are the people that i love. i take my relationships more than serious. the people that i spend the majority of my time with are the people that i spend the majority of my time thinking about. i want to be with them all the time. i want them to do well in school. i want them to be the best that they can be. i want them to love me. i want them to love life. i want them to love Jesus. i want them to not have to worry about tomorrow. i want them to not worry about the stresses of their home life or money. & if they can't do those things, i want to "fix" it. & when i can't, i worry about them. because i am concerned for them. because i care about their well being. because i love them with every ounce of my being. & when they laugh, i laugh. when they rejoice, i rejoice. when they struggle, i struggle. when they hurt, i hurt. when they cry, i cry (& sometimes i cry even when they don't).

i understand that i can't use this as an excuse & i also know that there are times when my stressing out is at its maximum level & it is too much. & i know that stressing out can cause serious problems (been there done that).  but i hope that those that i love the most & those that truly know me understand that when i stress, it's because i love.

& when i love, i don't hold back.

"there is nothing i would not do for those who are really my friends. i have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature." - jane austen, northanger abbey