"the struggle is real"

i stole that title from a friend. & even though it is usually meant to be a joke, oh so true it is. & most of the time, we don't like to admit it.

wednesday night. church night. always has been, more than likely always will be. but tonight was different. there was three, then there was two, then back to three, & then back to two. & despite the fact that for the majority of the time there was only two of us, "church" still happened. i will still able to glean from it. i was able to learn a few things about myself. things that perhaps i already knew deep down inside, but when they are verbalized by someone else, they make more sense. & that was me tonight.

i'm going to be honest. i'm struggling. things that i don't necessarily want to share on here, mainly because i am not ready to be THAT vulnerable. but nevertheless, "the struggle is real."

i like to be in control. i like for things to happen a certain way. i don't like to be unprepared. i don't like to make a fool of myself, especially in front of people. i like for things to go smoothly. i want everyone to gain from whatever is going on. & sometimes it's overwhelming. i try to balance so many different things because, as i have stated before, i love to help people & help fix people.

i was told last night that i try to do too much on my own. anyone who knows me knows that i have a big heart & love to be around people. i can't say no. i want to help out in as many ways as possible. but sometimes that can mean being spread to thin. & i can't give one-hundred percent to things because i have so many things that need my attention. but, having a big heart isn't a good enough excuse to just say yes to everything, especially when i don't let God in to help me. & that means i am not trusting God enough. i am not trusting that God can keep things under control without me. i think that i can do things on my own. ha.

real life: i can't. & i know that & i tell other people to "just trust God." it might be time to take my own advice.

it's not easy to have someone else point out your weaknesses. but it sure does grab your attention & make you think.

& yesterday, the struggle was real. today, the struggle is still real. but today i am choosing to trust the Lord.

is the struggle real? don't worry. you aren't the only one.